why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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