mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
