my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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