babies were throwing up all over the place
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
