I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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