Betty ford says i'm here all night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
