The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
