can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the condom got lost in my hair
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
