That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
