The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
