I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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