I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize