i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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