i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
