my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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