I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
