i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
