so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
