yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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