Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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