if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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