You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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