Please, let me fuck your mom
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
