i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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