I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
