I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
