i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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