i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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