Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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