I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Come see our sink grown plant.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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