Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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