Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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