awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
