So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
