I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
