i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
