The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
