i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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