so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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