The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize