he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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