Will you blow on my dice?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
