the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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