just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
