i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
