you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
