i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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