I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
