when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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