me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
