i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
