dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
