question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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