If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
