If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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