4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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