.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
