We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
