Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
