I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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