Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
